Ever since Jake and I have come back to Oahu, I have been constantly thinking. Thinking about resolutions, new recipes, moving, military, BABIES, money, and family. There are things I would love to have. Back in Arkansas if you were to go up to my room you would find my closet full to the rim of items that I keep there for my future home. I have pyrex galore, camping gear, bedding, clothes, dishes, and other items that I have set aside to wait for. I can't ship everything out here because it will break sooner or later OR scratch during the move. I know this because of TMO's reputation around base and through word of mouth. SO I wait.
This may be the most selfish thing in the world to read but it is true. I want things. For the last 15 years of my life I have wanted one thing. One little tiny thing that would make my house a home.
I know it seems ridiculous. I KNOW your saying, "Emily, thats not what makes a house a home!" Ok, so I may have exaggerated a little bit but it would make me happy. Living here it is just not practical to have one. It wouldn't be smart. There isn't anywhere for it to go and play and it would scratch up the floors and aggravate my neighbors. Sigh..... I mean my sisters both have dogs and I know for a FACT that they haven't dreamt of their dogs for years and included them in future home drawings and looked at every commercial knowing if it is a dog commercial a golden retriever will pop up any second. Yet, they have one. I suppose this is a 'letting out steam' and completley 'selfish' post. But nonetheless, it is MY post.
On another note, I would love to have children. It seems strange to me to think about this because I still feel like a child in a lot of ways but I want to have a child to hold and to care for. I want to bring it 'home' and nurture it and show him/her how wonderful of a daddy they have. I want to smell it's little head and rub baby lotion on his/her feet each morning and night. I want to bring him/her to Memaw's house and see what a great family they were born into. I want to take pictures and experience why God created me as a woman. I want to rock him/her back and forth until they go to sleep and sing to them.
On still another note, I want a home. I want a place to decorate and to organize. I want to make it into our little Gordon world where Jake can escape the day and relax. I know we have that here in a since. In another since we share our little world with our loud neighbors and 7,000 other people in front of our window. I grew up living on the farm and the only other people besides my family were the Sandifers!? I want to garden, sew, cook, entertain, paint, craft, and play with MY DOG outside.
I want a vaccum.
I want to be warmed by my church family and go to lunch on Sunday afternoons with my families. I want to pick up the guitar again and worship. I want to see my sisters. I want to have friends.
I want a golden retriever....did I metion that?
It is SO hard to recognize the difference between the desires of one's heart and the leading of where God wants you to be. As a woman, these wants are natural. They are. There is not one thing wrong with them. However, where they are placed and with whom are not my decision. That decision belongs in the hands of God.
This morning I read about Samuel. At 12 years old and not even knowing God voice was eager to serve his Master at His calling. He went to Eli willing to serve. Eli told him to wait and IF God calls to him again, to listen and serve. I am hearing a lot about sitting still and wait. I don't want us to make the wrong choice. I don't want us to be unhappy with our lives.
I don't want Jake to leave again.
I need God. I need to wait and listen to His whisper or booming voice. I need to get off my lazy behind and go to the gym...BUT...
I know what the desires of mine and Jake's heart are. God knows, more importantly.
So we sit and wait.
And in the mean time I look at pictures of Golden Retrievers and dream :)