"But He doesn’t need me to be ready for this season because He is ready. He just needs me to be clinging to His feet"
Jake and I have been presented some options in our life. We thought for so long to choose one option because it was 'safe' and 'secure'. God may tell us at the last second that "yes, you need to go here". We are scared, unsure, uncomfortable, and nervous about our choice. But as of right now we aren't. We are walking into a world full of 'what if's.'
Is this wrong?
For the past week it has been a whirlwind. I have cried, been sick, angry, confused, doubtful, at peace one second and then so scared the next.
This past year has been so hard. I see God in everything here. The beauty is unbelievable. The provisions He continually bestows on us just blows my mind. He has protected our marraige in everyway as a military couple and made life seem so 'easy' at times. I know I have taken it for granted. I know. I also know I spent the better part of last year huddled up in a corner of the house wiping tears from my face because it was 'too hard.' This life is different from everything I knew.
There are constants in a military life. One being -your husband will leave you- the other -you will always be moving- and another -is my husband safe today?-
I have made friends here that I love. I have experienced life here that could not be done anywhere else. I have a beautiful husband that actually cherishes me. All because God blessed me. I don't ever want to look at these past years of my life and just feel hatred and bitterness. There has been so much good.
But a new season is approaching and I am not ready.
That is when I ran across what Katie said in her post. God wants us to follow Him with everything in our being. With all my heart I wish that a hand would appear in front of my face and write on the wall in front of me the exact place He wants Jake and I to go.
But I have faith in Him to guide us in this new life. It is so funny how you want something so bad for the past 2 years only to find when it is presented to you, you want to go run upstairs and hide in the closet. This may be because I don't like change.
You may find that hard to believe considering the place that I live and what all I have changed in our lives to be here. And the fact that we are in the military.
For far too long I have missed that ever present quickening inside my Spirit. Instead I have daily laid hurt, bitterness, anger, and resentment on top of it.
I miss the feeling I get when I play my heart out to God while my fingers glide over 12 guitar strings. I miss that accountability you get with christian sisters while pouring over God's Word. I miss learning about God's Word.
I know this is my own fault because I chose to be apart from this pagan island. I chose to believe that I could manage by myself. I don't need to use the gift God gave me for this season in my life to help me grow. I don't need to gather with much older women to help me learn.
I WAS SO WRONG. I have missed out so much this year because I was too scared. Too uncomfortable. Too stuck in my ways to change.
Now, when God is leading us gently into this new season, I want to cling to His feet. I am not ready. I still want to run upstairs and hide but today I felt a flutter in my spirit. God is ready to use me. He has always been ready to use me but I have pushed Him aside far too long.
I hope people will understand what Jake and I choose. But more importantly, I hope Jake and I are faithful enough to go where God chooses for us.